Sunday 25 July 2010

Natalie Portman

Sooner or later I guess it had to come back to love. I guess everything does eventually right??? I wrote this about a girl.

Natalie Portman.

I’ve fallen in love with the way her eyes drift out of shot on every photo on her facebook profile. It’s like something from a Richard Linklater or Wes Anderson film, arty, quirky yet deliberate.

It’s cold out today but I have warmth deep within me. She wears her scarf like a statement – “I am passion” And her eyes are bright and darting, soaking up every passing molecule. She has a folded Guardian newspaper under her arm and the way she carries herself, the clothes, the running of her hand through her hair, screams former art student or fashion maybe although she is more vintage than couture, her smile is radiant and contagious and I can feel the corners of my mouth lift and suddenly I’m beaming back.

We meet and greet and exchange pleasantries whilst heading to the entrance of an up market independent cinema, we buy tickets to the new movie by a hip indie director we both liked and then agree to head towards a cafĂ© bar in the heart of the city whose clientele are above my pay packet and more than likely my class. I try to hide my disgust at the prices when I pay and it is easier walking away as that smile has followed us in under the dim lighting and wondering jazz backdrop. Our feet touch under the table and we both withdraw embarrassed and I realise that even in silence I’m letting myself get drawn in further. I haven’t seen her in maybe 3 years. We talked about life in our respective cities, movies that we liked, songs we danced to, people we dated, friends that faded. She raced through a sizable Rose and smiled when I teased her about wearing a scarf inside. She confessed to being a little tipsy which I thought was cute even when she started to make less sense as we exited and headed for the cinema, when she lost her ticket in a TARDIS of a handbag, and talked loudly as the seats began to fill. I wanted to hold her hand but I knew that would spoil the moment, that it would spoil everything.

We left the empty ice cream container resting on the chair arm, she had eaten it all (another thing I found cute), took our coats and left satisfied but hungry. We headed across the city towards a Chinese restaurant. I fell off the curb and tried to disguise it with a pathetic jump back onto the edge, she almost walked into a lamp post whilst watching a couple embrace across the street and I realised that with all her individual dynamics and quirks she was looking for somebody to connect with the same way we all are. I knew that feeling all too well, I was watching her when I fell of the curb.

The restaurant was an empty hall with lined tables and wooden chairs and buffet carts spread throughout. We shared a comfortable silence before ordering drinks and getting into a plate of starter nibbles. We both came back with an abundance of seaweed. We changed conversation onto family, goals, and ambitions but soon drifted into past relationships and more of the standard getting to know someone material. We talked about our bodies and bodies of former lovers and it was nice to be able to talk openly about things which many people have a hang up on. It was of course all respectful and people’s identities remained under lock and key. She confessed to making a video with a long term partner and was horrified when watching it back, shattering the illusion that every sexual experience is just like we see in the movies – a well lit, well constructed and performed scene. I’d made one many years earlier which had produced similar results and feelings. We went for a second helping and she did the typical girl thing of hardly putting anything on her plate as she was on a completely unnecessary diet. I didn’t dare mention the calories in a glass of Rose wine or a tub of cookie dough flavoured ice cream. The night had started to draw to a close which wracked me with a disappointment I couldn’t hide. She clumsily tried to leave without paying and I tipped even though the service didn’t warrant it.

Her tram stop was right outside the restaurant. We went through the motions of saying goodbye, “It’s been wonderful!”, “We should do it again sometime!” all of the time thinking “Wait! This is crazy! I’ve just fallen head over heels for you and I need to know if you feel the same way…” The tram arrived way ahead of time or ridiculously late I couldn’t be sure and we rushed through everything and with the closing of the electronic doors and the ringing of the bell she was gone. I walked towards the train station elated, better for coming here, deciding on future plans and slowly convincing myself that she is just what I need. The journey home is a blur of daydreams and fantasy, her smile echoed around my mind. I got home and switched on my pc. I wanted to see her face again before I went to sleep.